Fashion Advice for the Nice to Naughty Guy

Guys, take no offense...but I know you wanna please the ladies in your lives, right? You know what they say. The clothes make the man.

A New book by Carson Kressley, the "Queer Eye" star, offers essential fashion advice for men and the women who love them.

But I’ve got a little advice to dole out myself. You know I wouldn’t lead you astray…

Lucie’s fashion tips for men over 30 and under 50 (before and after that you can wear whatever the hell you want because you’re either too young or to old for a Nice to Naughty girl):

No athletic shoes unless you're working out

No pleated pants unless you wanna look 10 pounds heavier

No baggy T-shirts unless you wanna look like an aging beach bum who really should have grown up and gotten a real job already

No baggy pants unless you wanna look like a fat-ass punk who’s trying to look all tough but really is just showing us his ass…and we really don’t need to see that (unless he’s Brad Pitt or something)

No baseball caps unless you want every woman to think you're hiding a bald spot even if you're not

No see-through shirts where we can see your nipples (nuff said on that!)

No ties, vests, sweaters or socks with cartoons on them (even at the holidays) unless you want us ladies to think your Mommy is still dressing you every morning

No skinny jeans…heroin chic is so 1990s

Stay tuned for Lucie’s Fashion “Do” Tips!

Signs You're On A Bad Date

1. If, while sucking down your second martini, you think to yourself, Geez, I would so much rather be watching Ghost Whisperer right now.

2. If you’re date whips out a calculator when the check arrives. This is a bad sign because he a) is so cheap he has to calculate the tip to the penny; b) is so cheap he’s not only going to split the bill with you, but he’s going to add up each item individually just to make sure he doesn’t pay more than you; or c) he is a freakin’ nerd.

3. He shows up wearing shorts. Caveat – this is acceptable if you’re having a picnic or doing some other outdoor activity or if it is over 100 degrees (but those shorts had better not be made of nylon). I know some women don’t agree with me on this, but I’m standing firm. Long pants on a date, damn it!

4. His belt buckle is bigger than your mini-purse.

5. He’s wearing more jewelry than you are.

6. He asks you how you feel about bi-sexuality. There are just too many things that can go wrong here. He’s a) a rightwing homophobe; b) is imagining the two of you in a three-way with his cute upstairs neighbor, Laura; or c) imagining the two of you in a three-way with his personal trainer, Rex.

7. He’s wearing a baseball cap. Unless this is a sporting event you’re going to, a baseball cap is totally inappropriate on a date. This is not negotiable.

8. He makes a point of telling you how many models he’s dated. This is a bad sign because a) he is going to compare you to an unrealistic version of a woman; b) he thinks he’s too hot for you; c) you’re too smart for him.

9. He orders a salad with dressing on the side. Unless he weighs 300 pounds and you met him in WeightWatchers, this is not good. He’s probably an actor with food issues who teaches spinning at Crunch and spends a little too much time lingering in front of the mirror.

10. He asks the waiter how much lemonade costs. Girl, if your date can’t afford lemonade, you can’t afford to be dating him.

11. And finally, if he frequently checks/answers his Blackberry/iPhone while with you, he’s not really with you.

Some things that have been bugging me lately...

1. Why does a man freak out when a woman tells him she’s going to get her hair cut? I mean, what does he think is going to happen to her head? Does he think she’ll suddenly decide a Mohawk is all the rage? Or go for vintage Sinead? And what business is it of his if she did? Honestly, I was having coffee with a guy wearing a crew cut that was far too short for his fat head when he asked me what I was doing the following day. When I replied that, among other things, I was getting my hair cut, panic set in. This guy, whom I’d never met before and will never see again, started pelting me with questions about how short I was getting it cut, what look was I going for and can’t I just style it differently rather than cut it? My reply? A venomous “What’s it to ya?” delivered with all the bite and sass of a Hollywood Diva. Ain’t no man gonna tell me what to do with my hair, thank you very much!

2. Not to talk politics, but does anyone really want a Vice President who peppers her speech with winks and an on again-off again “Fargo” accent when talking with Heads of State trying to solve world hunger, epidemic diseases and genocide? I think not. And this has nothing to do with gender or hating on beautiful people. Cuz I’m all for having a couple of hotties running the country, but I’d prefer some brains be knocking around in my VP’s head all the same. I’m just sayin’.

3. Why do romantic comedies (films) often employ the worst writing known to man? Case in point, Made of Honor. This dreadful piece of celluloid was playing on my flight from LA to Chicago recently, and I was stunned at how utterly ridiculous it was. First of all, how many times before have we seen or read this story where the best friend doesn’t realize he’s in love with a woman until she’s found herself a better man? But okay. There are only so many keys on a piano. Eventually, you’re going to start using the same ones over again. Hence the male bridesmaid. I don’t think I’ve seen this device before (and be sure it is a plot device and nothing more), but you’d think it could have been handled with a little more finesse than simply putting him in embarrassing scenarios with a bunch of girls giggling at him. And the quick revelation at the end that the heroine really rushed into her wedding and doesn’t really love her betrothed after all? Puh-lease! No wonder men don’t like to watch chick flicks. With stale plots and dialogue as predictable as Made of Honor, who would?

4. And forth, what does it take to get a film produced? According to “Forgetting Sarah Marshall” success: gratuitous nudity, pointless foul language, and a meandering plot. Yeah, I think I laughed twice.

Maybe I’m just cranky today, but am I so wrong? I think not.

Ciao,
Lucie

Some Random Thoughts...

Okay, I know it has been practically forever since I’ve blogged, but I’ve been busy. Too busy to put together a really thoughtful post. But I know you’re probably thinking that I’ve either a) jaunted off to Tahiti with a Tall, Dark and Handsome hottie du jour; b) contracted mono and have been lying on my sofa in a daze watching daytime TV, or c) haven’t had an inspired thought in weeks. Well, my friends, the answer is actually d) I have just been too bogged down in the demands of daily life to put words on a page.

So, here are some words for you. Perhaps even food for thought!

1. Why do men fantasize about vacuous, big-breasted bimbos with little or no pubic hair? Don’t they really want to be with a woman who can do more than send blood rushing to their, um, baby-makers? (I’m trying to keep this PG-13). I was watching an episode of Californication last night in which the lead character blogged about his desire to sleep with a woman with at least a dusting of natural body hair “down there.” His reasoning? He wanted a reminder that he was making love to a woman and not a child. Clearly, I don’t believe his character to be a fine example of a man (if you’ve seen the show, you should understand why), but at least he wants a “real” woman and not some porn star-looking, hairless fantasy. But beyond that, he really only becomes interested in a woman when she can stimulate his mind (such as the sexy lawyer he utterly misjudged in a previous episode) and his body. So, I’m wondering where are these guys? In LA, it’s hard to meet a man who judges a woman’s intellect as highly as her cup size. Is LA to blame? Or is it the sheer number of vacuous, big-breasted, pube-free bimbos who populate it?

2. Mac versus PC. I know there is a lot of hostility between Bill Gates and Steve Jobs, and I’m not entirely sure what started it all. But I can attest that a Mac is more reliable than a PC. I use a PC at work and a Mac at home. My PC is constantly crashing, works slowly, and pretty much irritates the f*ck out of me on a constant basis (still keeping it PG-13), whereas my Mac never crashes, runs superfast, and almost never causes me to curse profusely at my monitor. This is just my non-scientific opinion, but I can tell you, I would NEVER buy a PC.

3. Why are some female bosses complete and utter raving lunatics? I work for a woman who for some reason treats her female employees with much more disdain than their male counterparts. She goes out of her way to make things difficult for her women workers, but practically coddles her men. What’s up with that? You would think a woman in power would at least treat members of her own gender as she would men, if not a little better.

4. And finally, the worst movie I’ve seen in a long time was Al Pacino’s 88 Minutes. I truly have no words to describe how appallingly horrid this film was. Bad dialogue, terrible acting, poor directing – you name it, it sucked. It was almost laughable. Was Al behind on his mortgage or something? I kept wondering whatever could have prompted him to participate in such a dreadful project. Why, Al? Why?

So, there you go. That's what's been on my mind lately. You?

Ciao,
Lucie